006: The Fever Broke

It’s like a fever broke. I was standing in the shower— just out of reach of the cold water— listing things that I was grateful for. And usually that lifts my spirits, but suddenly I found myself shaking with tearless sobs— feeling that all of the effort, and study, and fasting— feeling that trying so hard to live a good life— was the cause for the multiple week-long depressive episode that I had found myself in. And I said out loud, to myself, “This just happens. I am prone to regular depressive episodes. It is not caused by the effort of doing good. It is just probable that if I have been trying so hard for a while— that an episode will come on. It’s like flow state. It’s not a light switch; it’s cyclical. First comes the struggle, then release, then flow, then recovery. And I had never before realized that that is perfectly analogous to my mental health. I try so hard, but when lows strike me, I assume that it was caused by my effort, and, without fail, I have given up. I have never made it beyond the Struggle phase.”

And suddenly, I felt like I could breathe again. And suddenly, I realized that for weeks, I had been holding my breath— and now, now I could breathe again. And part of that is metaphorical— but part of it is actually literal; I’ve been congested for about as long as this depressive episode has been going on, and I have held my breath more than I should— because I didn’t want to mouth-breathe. But primarily, it was like I had been swimming in darkness— groping out for the light, the surface— and breaking that glassy surface into something bright again. And the pressure in my lungs eased. And I breathed easily. 

And I feel good now. I was concerned that I wouldn’t wake up in time for class, so I had decided to just never go to bed. And my stomach is a bit upset— but that’s expected. I feel a bit of the chills— but that’s expected. 

So I breathe, and I push onward. I don’t know if it’s genuine— if the depressive episode is over— but I do know what is over: giving up when I hit a dip. I am dedicated to my creativity, and for that, I need to crest over the Struggle phase, through Release, into Flow, and Recover actively.

I once wrote, “We are just beginning.” At that time, I did not realize just how true it was.

005: The Transformation

*This is an article that I wrote way back in my first year of undergraduate study— back before this website became a source of D&D 5e homebrew material. Back then, it was all about personal development.

In the past two years I have undergone a personal change that not only saved my life but also allowed me to open up and become more compassionate, loving, and active in my education.

In the summer of 2017, I was living a self-centered and deeply motivated but hateful existence. I was on the verge of entering my senior year of high school, the culmination of three years of training in the pole vault for my goal of competing in the 2020 Tokyo Olympics. I trained five hours a day and if school or studying interfered, well, then I slept less. Each meet would bring with it the resentment and tears of never-good-enough, because in an event where the sky is literally the limit, there is no stopping point. I trained in my meet uniform afterwards for hours to attempt to fix the errors I felt I had made. I underwent almost constant tissue damage and emotional stress for no claim towards happiness. 

I remember one week of high school just walking around with this dull, unfocused anger. I couldn’t tell you the cause, just this strange feeling of injustice. I realized I equated effort for fulfillment, but the satisfaction never came.

Now I know that fulfillment is synonymous for gratitude, that joy in others is the same as joy in myself.

Almost two years ago, I started my transformation. I began to meditate, I began to read and learn, I began to grow. Writing this, I can distinctly see a quote of my own I have written on the wall of my childhood bedroom, which describes this journey quite well. 

“The goal of life is to find a way to find the goal of life.” 

The success lies not in the end goal, nor the validation it promises. The excitement of the passage, that’s enough. 

I have gone from a self-centered, resentful idealist to an idealist of a different kind: one of compassion and learning. Currently, I can be found teaching lessons in affirmations, meditation, and other personal development practices. I seek to unify everyone I encounter, leading with compassion. I thoroughly believe that if the belief of a divide ceases to exist, so does the challenge of connection. We are all humans living our best to support and protect those we love.

I understand this now.

004: Gratitude

*This is an article that I wrote way back in my first year of undergraduate study— back before this website became a source of D&D 5e homebrew material. Back then, it was all about personal development.

Take 2: Everyday I take a cold shower, meditate twice, and fall asleep in comfort of my Sticky Note-posted affirmations. These are practices that have grown more vital to my life in the past year-and-a-half and were crucial in maintaining my peace of mind while I recovered from a pole vault-related blunt force injury. Instead of being caught in the web of disability, I fell back on my strong foundations and rewrote my story. I realize that learning never stops and continue to question my limiting beliefs. I meditate on gratitude, postulate on fortitude, and lean on compassion. I feel that you have to be truly yourself in order to contribute real good to the world. That’s my daily goal, and it becomes more achievable by applying value to strong rituals.

Take 2: As a continued practice, I attempt to refocus my perception of my shared existence in the world into one based in gratitude and compassion. I acknowledge that every action anyone takes is simply an expression of a loveable trait of theirs or my flawed perception of it. I know that everyone is kind, and I work to exude compassion even in my silent moments. When I feel kindness in those around me, I feel more secure in the collective caring of the human race.

I haven’t written anything for this purpose in a while, and that portrays not the lack of ideas gracing my developing mind but rather the abundance of them. I’ve been at a place structured on education, but it is all too common to encounter students studying subjects of little importance to their life, their truth, or their journey. 

I acknowledge that life is long and winding. I acknowledge that on the global scale, on my future scale, I am a humble passenger in the ship of my destiny. I am growing, I am learning, but something I can be certain of today is the necessity for urgency. 

Sometimes I look around and feel like I am living in slow-motion. I gaze at the light modernity unfolding in my vicinity: a tree swaying, dust blowing in the shifting winds, students walking past, biking past, talking, laughing. I sit by windows while I eat. I pay attention to the world, I meditate in cold stairwells at two in the morning, I construct my consciousness through habits and language. 

I acknowledge the simplicity of change, of permanence. I am change, I am permanence. I question my limiting beliefs. I offer conflicting evidence. I thank service employees and smuggle bananas in my coat pockets.

I jump down stairwells and beam in the grocery store. I glow from my eyes and speak with certainty. I laugh like a little kid and walk with confidence. I know what to say at every moment of every day. I am always growing. 

I deserve the journey. 

I am the end goal.

I am compassionate¹. I am kind. I see the best in every situation and can find the opportunities in any challenge.

Take advantage of every second on this earth. Say “You’re welcome, I’m glad to help” instead of “No problem”. Smile from your eyes; it’ll light up your life. Be gracious and thankful to all who offer the slightest assistance.

Remember that everyone you encounter offers assistance: the assistance of connection, of reminding you of your singularity.

Be an individual. Don’t take flowers from anywhere except the ground or finished botany lectures. Ask your professor before taking plants from class, and thank him for his time. Always pet a farm cat. Don’t be afraid to talk to him. It might be the realest conversation of your week. 

Wake up at 5am and study languages. The best people are those who will make you grateful they even exist. Make sure you tell them that. Make sure you remember your lack of limitations, but how everything is much more possible around them.

Never take any moment of this life for granted.

Be here.

¹Pema Chödrön’s pocketbook, The Compassion Book: Teachings for Awakening the Heart

003: Affirmations

*This is an article that I wrote way back in high school— back before this website became a source of D&D 5e homebrew material. Back then, it was all about personal development.

Affirmations are the kind of thing that will work if you do them right but you might not immediately notice. The idea is that thoughts become reality. You outline your ideals and guiding traits on pieces of paper, you repeat the phrases to yourself hundreds of times, and those beliefs will gradually manifest. 

I write my affirmations on Sticky Notes and tape them to the wall next to my bedside light. They are the last things I see before I go to sleep every night. In my experience, this is quite effective at producing rapid change. 

There are three main types of affirmations: “I am __”, “The __ is within me”, and “I will be __ in __”. I prefer the first two but that might not be the case with you. As a skeleton structure, there is infinite potential to expand on these to fit your ideals.

“I am __.”

These affirmations are the bluntest. They hit right at what you’re trying to say, and because of this they can be less effective if used improperly. Example: “I am confident and charismatic.” If you do this kind of affirmation, repeat it to yourself before falling asleep so the conscious mind can’t reject it as easily.

“The __ is within me.”

This is my favorite kind of affirmation. Not only is it versatile in circumnavigating the conscious mind, it can be deeply motivating. Input a character trait such as determination, compassion, etc. and feel free to expand on the structure by adding a condition. “The determination I need to succeed is within me.”

“I will be __ in __.”

For the aspiring multimillionaires or other people with hyper-specific goals, this kind of affirmation can be highly effective. Example: “I will be the founder of a million dollar law firm in two years.” Specificity is key. Get as granular as possible with these affirmations.

To target the subconscious as directly as possible, wait until you are on the brink of sleep. Cut off screen time at least an hour before bed. Keep a stack of books by your pillow to read in soft light. Before turning off your bedside lamp, roll over to gaze upon your affirmations. Read through them to yourself at least once, but feel free to go through the list a couple more times if the need strikes you. Switch off the light and go to sleep.

While affirmations can be highly effective if used properly, don’t mistake them for hard work towards your goals.

Consider them instead as a primer coat that will gradually peel away your limiting beliefs. In the space that follows, learn lots and keep growing.

002: Building Discipline

*This is an article that I wrote way back in high school— back before this website became a source of D&D 5e homebrew material. Back then, it was all about personal development.

The practice of discipline is by no means simple, but with the proper insight, it can be developed easily enough.

As with all lifestyle practices, the key to developing discipline can be found in sustainable and effective actions. There are four main fronts from which I have approached this in my own life: Awareness, the Willpower Model, Habit Formation, and the Four Tendencies towards Expectations. 

Awareness

If you change your limiting beliefs, your life will change. Awareness is the cutting edge of belief systems; the guiding light that will direct all of your actions. What you pay attention to, what you put effort into, changes. It’s a rule of life. In my life, awareness has become the go-to first response for enacting rapid and satisfying results. For discipline then, what we will be focusing on is raising our standards. It’s simple. It doesn’t require anything special, no Jedi mind training, just attention. Decide to change. Cut out any possibility towards stagnation.

That’s what “decide” means. It’s not a preference. It’s not “I would like to develop more discipline, but I’m not going to make any drastic changes or be disappointed if it doesn’t happen”. If you decide, it will happen. You will keep carrying this in your head until it does. Under this lens, attention can be the strongest tool in your arsenal. 

The Willpower Model: Ego Depletion vs Mind Training

There are two seemingly-opposite standpoints on willpower. Until recently, willpower (and thus, discipline) was viewed as an exercise. Like a muscle, willpower was believed to grow with consistent resistance. However, recent studies show that an alternate model could be more accurate: the Ego Depletion Model. 

In this model, willpower can be imagined as a battery.

From the start of the day it’s full. As life progresses, when you look for your keys or solve a puzzle or try to resist eating a third cookie, the battery drains. Then when a challenge occurs, it is more difficult to concentrate, to maintain emotional composure, and to make good decisions. The same can happen when you’re sick. People often see that their good habits go down the drain when a cold hits, and that’s because of ego depletion. 

These two models are completely opposite from each other. Naturally, how could training systems such as organized athletics or meditation build discipline when studies show that they are draining on the human consciousness?

In my experience, they aren’t. To a reasonable limit. 

From my life and limited research, it is possible to build willpower and discipline while expanding precious mental resources.

The key is balance. Instead of training by forcing yourself to abstain from your favorite guilty pleasure, start with small decisions that, while difficult, are on a much different, lower level. 

My primary resource on this topic is Improvement Pill’s video which can be found here. 

Habit Formation Exercise

Let’s imagine that you are suffering from a lack of discipline in one or more areas of your life. It could be social media use, smoking, drinking, overeating; anything at all that flows beyond your moral limits. You want to change, but it seems impossible because the thing you’re expending energy on not doing is the same thing you do when you’re tired.

That’s why we lower the stakes. 

If you want to build discipline, define an activity that occurs frequently (at least 3 times per day) that is mildly indulgent. For me, I have three main things that relate to my phone: 1) writing down ideas, 2) checking email, and 3) checking social media. So in this example, when I get an idea and want to write it in my notes app, I decide “No, I’m not going to do that.” When I think I should check my email because something is so pressing it cannot wait, I decide “No, that can wait. I’m not going to do that.” When I want to check my social media, even if I have a supremely interesting notification, “No, I’m not going to do that.”

These are exercises that practice willpower but are so minimal that any ego depletion gets covered in the next snack, sweet jam, or is even completely unnoticed.

It starts the momentum so that when a stronger impulse strikes, you are already used to being strong.

Keep doing the exercises. Don’t expect them to eliminate any self-indulgent behavior. The worst thing you can do in this situation is to believe that a less-than-extraordinary transformation means that your lack of discipline is pervasive to all areas of your life. You are a full, rounded-out character. Your life has indulgences. That’s natural. Practice discipline but don’t be overly-disappointed if you don’t gain the ability to lift rocks with your mind. 

The Four Tendencies

Gretchen Rubin is the author of Better than Before and recently came out with her new book The Four Tendencies. She has been a guest on both of my highest-respected podcasts (The Tim Ferriss Show & The Tony Robbins Podcast) and has a huge role in the field of happiness (her podcast, Happier with Gretchen Rubin, can be found here). 

Gretchen has this quiz that sorts you into one-of-four groups of people: Upholder, Obliger, Questioner, or Rebel. All of these are related to how you respond to expectations, both internal and external. How this applies to discipline becomes clear if you take the quiz (it can be found here), and I’ll do a run-down of the four tendencies, as well.

Upholder: This is my Tendency. It is the second rarest, behind Rebel, and what it means is that people like me have little trouble upholding expectations from themselves or others. The majority of the personal development work I do is designed for my life by myself. I work best in an organized, set workspace, and along with the knowledge of my personality type (ENTJ-A) detailed lists and structure are beneficial for my productivity. The Strategy of Scheduling is most important for Upholders.

Obliger: You are able to complete tasks with reminders and supervision but struggle to maintain that workflow without outer expectations. To keep up on your exercises and develop discipline, recruit others to remind you or join in the exercise. The Strategy of Accountability is vital for Obligers.

Questioner: You’ll do something, but only if you understand why it should be done. It can be difficult to find this kind of clarity, especially in the pursuit of something as abstract as discipline. For Questioners in this sense, take the time to develop your clear purpose about why this is important to you. It will only hold as much weight as you define it with. The Strategy of Clarity is most important for Questioners.

Rebel: This is the least common Tendency. Rebels act in ways that express their identities. Most strategies that work well for other Tendencies (such as Accountability) backfire for Rebels. The most important thing for you to do is to define your ideal lifestyle and the habits that are present therein. The Strategy of Identity is key, followed by Clarity. As long as you understand that you are working on your own purpose, no one can stop you.

The complete list of Strategies can be found here.

The last thing that Gretchen offers on this topic specifically is how each Tendency relates to moderation vs. abstinence. While defining your discipline exercises and habits, it is vital to understand that it might be best to stop using certain rewards altogether. As an Upholder, I find that it is much easier to completely abstain from something than exercise moderation. Each Tendency is different, but the lesson remains the same: knowledge is key; your best life is on the other side.

Best of luck. If you have any questions or comments regarding this topic, feel free to hit me up at mkb@findingmason.com.

001: Meditation

*This is an article that I wrote way back in high school— back before this website became a source of D&D 5e homebrew material. Back then, it was all about personal development.

I have been meditating twice a day for the past year¹. There is a whole range of biological benefits for establishing this practice, but those weren’t the changes that I noticed. Above everything else, I started to realize that everything wasn’t as pressing as it had seemed to be, that I had time to think and reflect and maybe not even act, and that I began to be able to do more in less time. 

If I were to be asked what would be the one thing to begin to gain better control of your life, it’d be meditation. Every single time. Which is why, of course, this is lesson 001. 

This is the basis. This is the foundation for your House, the very thing that all aspects of your livelihood are built upon. It doesn’t matter if you haven’t slept, if you haven’t eaten, if you feel like everyone’s out to irritate you, start and end your day with meditation and you will have already won.

This is how you can make it easy.

1. Use a Low-Bar / High-Bar System

The single most common reason people give up on activities before they can become habitual is that they make it too difficult. I get that. I’ve failed plenty of times before even starting, just because I didn’t yet understand this core truth of habit-making. 

That’s where the Low-Bar / High-Bar System comes in. Meditation is going to be beneficial no matter how little you do it— if you have never done it before. But here, we’ll be doing what I did: twice a day, every day.

First you have to decide on two numbers: the High-Bar and the Low-Bar.

Low-Bar: This should be an amount of time that you will always be able to fit into your schedule. If you’re late for class, for work, if you didn’t sleep at all or you’re sick and the sky is raining knives, use the Low-Bar. When I started, I decided on 1 minute. 

High-Bar: This is the maximum amount of time that you can imagine meditating for. If you’re feeling productive or even the opposite, it’s not really important. But if for some strange reason you are certain that you can attempt to focus on your breath for this long, set your timer for your High-Bar. A year ago, I decided on 10 minutes for this.

It is vital to understand that these numbers define a window. We’re building a habit, not a series of failures. Don’t decide on a Low-Bar that you can’t keep.

2. The Practice

As soon as you wake up each morning, pick up your phone and go to Clocks. Set a timer for any time within your High-Bar / Low-Bar System. Make yourself comfortable and tap Start.

Some things to remember:

• Any time within your Low-Bar / High-Bar System is a success

• Starting off, you don’t need to force yourself into Lotus to meditate. The key is being comfortable. If you feel most at ease lying down, lie down. If you are comfortable sitting cross-legged, do that. If you want to sit in a chair, that is completely fine. (If you do want to get more into the physical practice of meditation, you might consider buying a cushion for it. I use a Buckwheat Hull Meditation Cushion. 

• Follow your breath. You do not need to alter your breathing at all, just follow its path. In through the nose, out through the nose. (If you’re congested, feel free to breathe through your mouth.)

• If you come back to your breath at least once, you have succeeded. This is an exercise. You are practicing coming back to your breath. Even if you only do it once, good job.

As you will begin to understand as you meditate, most things aren’t as complicated or difficult as they might seem to be. Do it consistently, do it purposefully, and breathe happy.

¹True as of 2018.

The Heart Is a Muscle

(Gang of Youths)

I could argue that the focus is on creating an existence where mirrors go unused. Because there is a stark contrast between the Mason that looks into a mirror and repeats and believes “I am a great person. I am a kind person. I radiate a gentle light.” and the alternate who doesn’t even think to look at all.

And by any account, does that not define contentedness? Does that not suggest a world more fulfilling, more provoking? Can we aim to live without aiming, but with purpose-less experiences, so vivid and wholesome that questions are lacking and answers are ever-present? It is clear that those childlike days of bliss are reattainable. That wide focus is available, while not off of a store shelf but if it were, it wouldn’t be from a particularly high shelf, at all.

Now, how can we achieve this?

Primarily, we could— and I’d argue should— drop uncertainty at the door. I commit to feeling good and I commit to growing. I know this moment will pass; I will learn from this experience. I acknowledge that the fear I feel wash over me in waves is here, and it is welcome— but it doesn’t have to drag me down. I can walk all over its crumbling surface, I can rise above, I can see the horizon. I choose to wield control of my destiny. I am here, now. 

I need a manifesto.

This is a topic that I have had heavy in my head from Gretchen Rubin’s great work in concentrating lists¹ and Tony Robbin’s List of Moving-Towards Values². So here goes:

◊ Rest is an important part of the process. Learn to use it well. Follow these steps in descending order of ability.

• Activity (productivity in its easiest-to-name form)

• Creative Work/Self-Betterment Reading

• Relaxation in its Least-Productive Form, i.e. reading for pleasure

◊ Better > Feeling Better

• Does this make me better or does it just make me feel better?

• Feeling better will come from being better, and when it does, it will feel better

◊ How Can I Enjoy the Process While I Do What Must Be Done? 

• or what can I learn from this experience?

◊ “I don’t know, but I’m willing to find out.”³

• If it’s scary, it’s probably worth walking towards.

◊ Be Here. From Now.

• The past is written, now is now. Don’t make up for past errors. Craft memorable experiences.

◊ Radiate a Gentle Light

• This road is for humanity. Better Mason, better life. But always remember that this growth is for everyone.

◊ I KNEW I WOULD BE CHANGED IF I DID NOT GO TO IT

• The Destiny is the natural way

It’s not about developing my morals. That’s abstract, that’s hard to grasp and even harder to visualize. No, this is about developing the person of whom those belong. 

BE → DO → HAVE

“I will not hurt like this forever,

I’m responding to the call,

While there's speakers in the outfield

Blasting out my favourite song.”

¹Gretchen’s 12 Commandments

²Tony’s Awaken the Giant Within

³Julien Smith’s TED Talk, the Adaptation Imperative

Soul-Building

“... how about soul-building?”

- Steven Le, 1/29/2019, 7:51 pm

This piece explores skin and armature in a multidimensional sculpture; skin: the two-dimensional image in a mirror, how it appears real, how it is taken from perception only in the jarring halt of touch, and armature: me.

I’ve never been so consistently scared about a piece before. But talking with the grads cemented this idea in me: it’s only not art if I’m not pushing myself. The goal is to be uncomfortable. And boyo was I uncomfortable.

3/11- Monday: “Sometimes I’m scared about this project— scared that it’s not truly a “project”. But whenever I’m working on it, I couldn’t be more certain.” <3

Tomorrow will be the first anniversary of the day that I almost died. The day after tomorrow will be the first anniversary of when my brain started making memories again, when it felt like waking up in pure, white light, screaming. It’s common that survivors of traumatic events find themselves feeling (emotionally and physically) how they did around the anniversary of their incident. I fell off my bike in the parking lot, I walked to class to avoid falling again, I questioned whether a classmate I’d seen every day all quarter was merely a figment of my psyche, I couldn’t sleep until five am once, and four am another time. I felt confused and sometimes broken. The key, I’ve found, is to live vividly, defiantly in the present. 

Soul Building is broken up into two categories of constant and never-ending growth: the physical and the spiritual.

Physically, I’ve been invested in athletics and fitness all my life. I did gymnastics for over six years and trained on the Olympic Training Plan for four years in the pole vault. During this project, I’ve created an exercise plan to help me reach my fitness goals. I’ve applied to the ARC as a foot-in for becoming a personal trainer, I’ve gotten back to being roughly as flexible as I was in gymnastics, and I’ve blended the 4 Hour Body workout from Tim Ferriss with supplementary exercises to fill muscle chain gaps and develop Type 2 muscle fibers through plyometrics.

Spiritually, I’ve been on a journey of personal development for over a year and a half.

What started as a natural step to getting gold became my primary reason to leave training for it.

Especially recently, I’ve been in some tough spots. But I’ve fallen back on my support structures and practiced bearing these sufferings well. Because I deserve the journey and I deserve the growth. 

I dove back into a more consistent meditation practice, began analyzing and synthesizing articles from leaders I respect, and continued my personal education even from fiction. Every day during this project, I outlined goals for how to live each day. I don’t like To-Do lists because they’re not especially motivating, so I approach these writings as opportunities for things that I could only ever do this way once.

Every night (excluding some particularly challenging nights), I sat down for 10 minutes to over an hour and answered some key questions:

• Was I better today than yesterday?

• What have I given today? In what ways have I been a giver today?

• What did I learn today?

• How has today added to the quality of my life or how can I use today as an investment in my future?

I spent time synthesizing information from my myriad of sources, and if I was lucky, I began to divine some philosophy of my own from the mundane.

I could talk about this all day for three days, so this is the introduction. Thank you.