005: The Transformation

*This is an article that I wrote way back in my first year of undergraduate study— back before this website became a source of D&D 5e homebrew material. Back then, it was all about personal development.

In the past two years I have undergone a personal change that not only saved my life but also allowed me to open up and become more compassionate, loving, and active in my education.

In the summer of 2017, I was living a self-centered and deeply motivated but hateful existence. I was on the verge of entering my senior year of high school, the culmination of three years of training in the pole vault for my goal of competing in the 2020 Tokyo Olympics. I trained five hours a day and if school or studying interfered, well, then I slept less. Each meet would bring with it the resentment and tears of never-good-enough, because in an event where the sky is literally the limit, there is no stopping point. I trained in my meet uniform afterwards for hours to attempt to fix the errors I felt I had made. I underwent almost constant tissue damage and emotional stress for no claim towards happiness. 

I remember one week of high school just walking around with this dull, unfocused anger. I couldn’t tell you the cause, just this strange feeling of injustice. I realized I equated effort for fulfillment, but the satisfaction never came.

Now I know that fulfillment is synonymous for gratitude, that joy in others is the same as joy in myself.

Almost two years ago, I started my transformation. I began to meditate, I began to read and learn, I began to grow. Writing this, I can distinctly see a quote of my own I have written on the wall of my childhood bedroom, which describes this journey quite well. 

“The goal of life is to find a way to find the goal of life.” 

The success lies not in the end goal, nor the validation it promises. The excitement of the passage, that’s enough. 

I have gone from a self-centered, resentful idealist to an idealist of a different kind: one of compassion and learning. Currently, I can be found teaching lessons in affirmations, meditation, and other personal development practices. I seek to unify everyone I encounter, leading with compassion. I thoroughly believe that if the belief of a divide ceases to exist, so does the challenge of connection. We are all humans living our best to support and protect those we love.

I understand this now.