006: The Fever Broke

It’s like a fever broke. I was standing in the shower— just out of reach of the cold water— listing things that I was grateful for. And usually that lifts my spirits, but suddenly I found myself shaking with tearless sobs— feeling that all of the effort, and study, and fasting— feeling that trying so hard to live a good life— was the cause for the multiple week-long depressive episode that I had found myself in. And I said out loud, to myself, “This just happens. I am prone to regular depressive episodes. It is not caused by the effort of doing good. It is just probable that if I have been trying so hard for a while— that an episode will come on. It’s like flow state. It’s not a light switch; it’s cyclical. First comes the struggle, then release, then flow, then recovery. And I had never before realized that that is perfectly analogous to my mental health. I try so hard, but when lows strike me, I assume that it was caused by my effort, and, without fail, I have given up. I have never made it beyond the Struggle phase.”

And suddenly, I felt like I could breathe again. And suddenly, I realized that for weeks, I had been holding my breath— and now, now I could breathe again. And part of that is metaphorical— but part of it is actually literal; I’ve been congested for about as long as this depressive episode has been going on, and I have held my breath more than I should— because I didn’t want to mouth-breathe. But primarily, it was like I had been swimming in darkness— groping out for the light, the surface— and breaking that glassy surface into something bright again. And the pressure in my lungs eased. And I breathed easily. 

And I feel good now. I was concerned that I wouldn’t wake up in time for class, so I had decided to just never go to bed. And my stomach is a bit upset— but that’s expected. I feel a bit of the chills— but that’s expected. 

So I breathe, and I push onward. I don’t know if it’s genuine— if the depressive episode is over— but I do know what is over: giving up when I hit a dip. I am dedicated to my creativity, and for that, I need to crest over the Struggle phase, through Release, into Flow, and Recover actively.

I once wrote, “We are just beginning.” At that time, I did not realize just how true it was.